If you’re using Instagram, there are a few people who hate you. You can be a nice friendly person, and you friends are polite, that’s why they don’t comment your photos with an honest “Screw you, bastard!”
But what did you do?!
Just as a word can hurt, a photograph can insult even more – especially when you realize, browsing through Instagram news feed, that “THIS is actually what mankind is all about”.
Do you really need a $1000 device to share crappy (technically and artistically) photos of your fingernails, cats, and aping in front of a mirror?
Good news, Instagram can’t physically hurt people, so you don’t need a license to use it. But hey, maybe it would be a good idea to have some kind of psycho test when registering?
So, when one day I launched the app to get my daily dose of cakes and duck-faces, I decided that instagram pics need categorization, just like mental disorders do.
Here is a small list I’ve made to sum them all up:
1. Food
Oh thank you so much! I just needed to see your breakfast. So this is what you people eat? Cool! We, on Mars, have never seen things like that.
2. Cats
If only cats could speak…
3. Legs (standing)
These shots are a perfect illustration of human laziness and consumerism. A perfect recipe for a photo: turn on, shoot, share. You don’t even have to position the camera vertically.
4. Legs (lying)
If previous category showed human laziness, this one revels the inhuman laziness! You don’t even need to get out of bed! Way to go, artsy photographers!
5. Belly
People are keen on sport these days. Just like everybody was smoking some 50 years ago, today everybody is into fitness, yoga, weight lifting, whatever. But health is not what matters. An insta photo in a mirror does!
6. Lips
With Instagram, everyone can be sexy and enigmatic. Just shoot a close-up of your lips, and hide the rest of the face. In too many cases it saves the shot.
7. Fingernails
This is all so ugly. Every single photo of fingernails is a disaster. 10 baby rabbits die every time you post this.
8. Footwear
Thanks, now we know that you are Mr. Cool Guy
9. Mixed categories
There are also mixed settings, like lips and food, footwear and cats, legs and belly, or cats and legs. This makes you 2x creative!
10. Self portraits (handheld)
Long time ago, in a galaxy far far away, people invented portrait lenses to keep the correct proportions of a face and make people look beautiful. Oh screw them, true beauty lies within.
Still it seems you’re looking through a peephole in a booby hatch.
11. Self portraits (in a mirror)
Man, this is a combo! Duckface + iPhone boast + fingernails/tatoos/whatever you do to take your beauty to the next level.
I have one too, Instagram is too small for me, so I share it here:
12. Kids of people who have kids
Beware, when you follow a young mother, get ready for some appropriate, inappropriate, shocking photos of their babies – you will see how they eat, drink, poo and wee. Don’t forget to leave a comment time after time: “Oh, he’s such a grown-up boy now. It’s funny how he walks and poos at the same time. Thanks for posting!”
Mothers! It’s nice to see your kids grow and play and whatever. But… Once a year is just fine.
13. Boasters
When you go to a resort and do not share a photo of your hairy legs on a beach or a close-up of a cocktail – I’m sorry, you’ve traveled in vain.
Your friends won’t envy you and won’t think of suicide because of them being such fortuneless brokes. Request a refund.
14. Artsy hipsta pics
I think the best Instagram photos will come out if you give an iPhone to a blind monkey and then apply a filter.
15. Duck faces
There’s nothing funny about that. It’s a dangerous disease, distributed through social networks.
Teenagers are in the risk zone, so when you see your daughter or sister make such a face, isolate her in a separate room and call the ambulance (I’m kidding, please don’t)!
Just look at the horrible consequences of this illness:
Breaking the Habit
Once you realize that you’re an Instagram junkie, you need a few steps to recover. It’s not easy, but you must give it a try.
I wish I could tell hat you must uninstall the app as first measure. But judging from myself, I know that it only helps for a day or two. Then, somehow the app reinstalls by magic.
So you need to deal with it and just ask yourself two questions when posting a photo to Instagram:
- Why am I doing it?
- What could I be doing instead?
If you feel the urge to post a photo of a dessert, or your pet, or your new shoes, think: will your followers be more happy after they see it?
It is even possible that the answer is yes, but don’t fool yourself – it’s just like smoking. You lie to yourself every time your organism asks for a doze of nicotine.
Try to put your smartphone away, take a deep breath and just look around. Do you really need at least 5 likes to start enjoying what you see?
I hope you enjoyed this just a bit offensive post. If not, you can post a shot of my author bio with your middle finger on the foreground, I hope it’ll make you feel better. At least it’s a fresh idea for an Instagram photo!
Im still none the wiser of what instagram is. And how to use it , is it just for phones or what What is it good for, and when do i benefit from it?
Hi! Yes, Instagram was created for mobile devices. What is it good for? good question, I still haven’t found an answer 🙂 I won’t be able to give basic info on the app better than Wikipedia does, so here is it: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Instagram
This post is more about people who have too much of this app in their lives, so you’re the lucky one not to be “affected” 🙂
Good one, George!
Thanks! 🙂
This is hilarious! Unfortunately, also falls into the category of, “sad but true” 🙂
so funny! I knew something was fishy over there.
Then wtf are you supposed to post?
How about interesting or useful information? Or something really funny? Or something enlightening? Something that actually makes people think, makes people learn, or really warms people’s hearts. In other words, things of value. Not just narcissistic attention seeking.
We aren’t seeking attention Aaron Nebbia. A lot of ppl don’t want to look on Instagram and there be a bunch of information on Pandas or something. Some people just want to be noticed for who they are. If you look at A LOT of photos in the comments they will have a quote or what is special to them about that moment. So, what the HELL are we so post to post! No one wants to post boring stuff!!!
Insta: Paiton_cg1022
actually it would make more sense to say this stupid article is why I hate you.
The guy taking a selfie with the iPad WINS
So how about telling us what to post?
you know… you don’t actually have to post anything…..99% of the posts people put on instagram or any social media, myself included, are just for self indulgent reasons and although i do indulge I honestly believe that despite the fact that the internet and social media sites are a great way to keep in touch with people far and wide, it is used far more for narcissistic reasons and to allow people to maintain the image and belief that they conform to, and fit into modern “HIP” society groups. I have witnessed many normal thinking people, who for years and years have managed without the need of social media, suddenly become one of the masses that feel the need to constantly announce they are still worthy of being part of their own social circles and often they even believe that that following the lead of the so called “famous” posts, tweets and blogs, they are part of that world too, although why the F**k would any normal right thinking person want to be part of that ? …. so instead of saying “what should i post” just log off and leave it.
Brilliant! Ha!
Quit fucking hating. Selfies are wonderful and i love seeing my friend’s faces.
He hates because he’s insecure and probably finds himself too ugly.
I love this post! Perpetrators take heed! Y’all know who you are!!!
So according to this entire horrid article:
Don’t post.. animals, children, yourself in any form, weight loss inspiration, food/recipes.. so basically you’d like instagram to be a place for landscape photography?
Get off your high horse, you nutter.
Something tells me there’s a personal reason you don’t like selfies or weight loss photos.
Yeah, amazingly enough the world doesn’t revolve around you, so I’m gonna keep posting pics of pretty much everything on this list because idgaf. This article just shows how insecure you are that you’re somehow threatened by your friends’ pictures of their children, food, and pets…amazing.
Right now, you’re the one who sounds insecure. He makes some good points. Like the whole duck face thing — a lot of those pics are stupid AF. Some of the other categories, it’s just a matter of seeing it too often. It gets lame after a while. I unfollowed a friend because every pic (Every. Single. Pic.)! had her sticking out her tongue, whether it was a selfie or with friends or family. Lame-o.
I think instagram helps a lot of people to discover an enjoyment of photography that they may not have discovered before.. i post a lot of the things u mentioned … and i still liked looking at some of the pics used in this article haha those green cake things made me feel inspired and curious.
I like posting pics of what im up to or things i see or buy so that my sisters can keep up with me ’cause we all work a lot so that is kind of fun when the IG icon pops up and we can easily connect in a simple way.
I dont think duckface is an IG thing specifically its more wide spread than that but you are right that it is a terrible infliction… I really dont understand it
The posting pics of ur kids on the web thing is not good.. make a photo album it will be nicer in future than just discarding nice pics on fb or IG never to b remembered ..
I think my IG followers are weird if they do hate me because they can just unfollow right?
I used to always hate things which were too mainstream as well and never wanted to jump on the bandwagon.. I joined up to IG about a million years after the rest of the world and I dont have twitter or fb but lately Ive started to try and embrace things more that I would have previously had an anti social attitude towards and I must admit I have been enjoying myself more in my life.
Don’t post anything! Lolllll
so basically, dont post anything and delete your instagram
Yeah, this burns my eyes when I see such pics. That’s why I use apps like zen-promo which finds normal people that have the same interests and habits on instagram as I do. This way I can share my stuff with people who like it and I like their stuff