If you're using Instagram, there are a few people who hate you. You can be a nice friendly person, and you friends are polite, that's why they don't comment your photos with an honest "Screw you, bastard!"
But what did you do?!
Just as a word can hurt, a photograph can insult even more - especially when you realize, browsing through Instagram news feed, that "THIS is actually what mankind is all about".
Do you really need a $1000 device to share crappy (technically and artistically) photos of your fingernails, cats, and aping in front of a mirror?
Good news, Instagram can't physically hurt people, so you don't need a license to use it. But hey, maybe it would be a good idea to have some kind of psycho test when registering?
So, when one day I launched the app to get my daily dose of cakes and duck-faces, I decided that instagram pics need categorization, just like mental disorders do.
Here is a small list I've made to sum them all up:
Oh thank you so much! I just needed to see your breakfast. So this is what you people eat? Cool! We, on Mars, have never seen things like that.
If only cats could speak...
3. Legs (standing)
These shots are a perfect illustration of human laziness and consumerism. A perfect recipe for a photo: turn on, shoot, share. You don't even have to position the camera vertically.
4. Legs (lying)
If previous category showed human laziness, this one revels the inhuman laziness! You don't even need to get out of bed! Way to go, artsy photographers!
People are keen on sport these days. Just like everybody was smoking some 50 years ago, today everybody is into fitness, yoga, weight lifting, whatever. But health is not what matters. An insta photo in a mirror does!
With Instagram, everyone can be sexy and enigmatic. Just shoot a close-up of your lips, and hide the rest of the face. In too many cases it saves the shot.
This is all so ugly. Every single photo of fingernails is a disaster. 10 baby rabbits die every time you post this.
Thanks, now we know that you are Mr. Cool Guy
9. Mixed categories
There are also mixed settings, like lips and food, footwear and cats, legs and belly, or cats and legs. This makes you 2x creative!
10. Self portraits (handheld)
Long time ago, in a galaxy far far away, people invented portrait lenses to keep the correct proportions of a face and make people look beautiful. Oh screw them, true beauty lies within.
Still it seems you're looking through a peephole in a booby hatch.
11. Self portraits (in a mirror)
Man, this is a combo! Duckface + iPhone boast + fingernails/tatoos/whatever you do to take your beauty to the next level.
I have one too, Instagram is too small for me, so I share it here:
12. Kids of people who have kids
Beware, when you follow a young mother, get ready for some appropriate, inappropriate, shocking photos of their babies - you will see how they eat, drink, poo and wee. Don't forget to leave a comment time after time: "Oh, he's such a grown-up boy now. It's funny how he walks and poos at the same time. Thanks for posting!"
Mothers! It's nice to see your kids grow and play and whatever. But... Once a year is just fine.
When you go to a resort and do not share a photo of your hairy legs on a beach or a close-up of a cocktail - I'm sorry, you've traveled in vain.
Your friends won't envy you and won't think of suicide because of them being such fortuneless brokes. Request a refund.
14. Artsy hipsta pics
I think the best Instagram photos will come out if you give an iPhone to a blind monkey and then apply a filter.
15. Duck faces
There's nothing funny about that. It's a dangerous disease, distributed through social networks.
Teenagers are in the risk zone, so when you see your daughter or sister make such a face, isolate her in a separate room and call the ambulance (I'm kidding, please don't)!
Just look at the horrible consequences of this illness:
Breaking the Habit
Once you realize that you're an Instagram junkie, you need a few steps to recover. It's not easy, but you must give it a try.
I wish I could tell hat you must uninstall the app as first measure. But judging from myself, I know that it only helps for a day or two. Then, somehow the app reinstalls by magic.
So you need to deal with it and just ask yourself two questions when posting a photo to Instagram:
- Why am I doing it?
- What could I be doing instead?
If you feel the urge to post a photo of a dessert, or your pet, or your new shoes, think: will your followers be more happy after they see it?
It is even possible that the answer is yes, but don't fool yourself - it's just like smoking. You lie to yourself every time your organism asks for a doze of nicotine.
Try to put your smartphone away, take a deep breath and just look around. Do you really need at least 5 likes to start enjoying what you see?
I hope you enjoyed this just a bit offensive post. If not, you can post a shot of my author bio with your middle finger on the foreground, I hope it'll make you feel better. At least it's a fresh idea for an Instagram photo!